You Might be a Liberal if…

tolerantlibToday I woke up wondering to write about. Benghazi? Michigan Right to Work? Obama’s Citizenship? The Fiscal Cliff? Israel? My secret plan to run for POTUS in 2016?

I decided I’d take a few minutes to laugh instead. I compiled a nice little list of Foxworthy-esque “You Might Be a Liberal If..” jokes. Hope a few of them make you smile. Most were borrowed from sites all over the net. I have highlighted my contributions in bold so you can understand how completely not funny I really am. 🙂 Hey, this is not Foxworthy material but I did my best. Hopefully we get a few chuckles. Some are hysterically funny and a few…need work. If you have any good lib-tard jokes, add them in the comments.

You might be a liberal if…

  • you break out in a cold sweat at the mention of the Constitution.
  • you own something that says “Dukakis for President” and still display it.
  • you believe the Constitution is living but unborn babies aren’t.
  • you’ve never been mugged.
  • you believe that a democrat freed the slaves and a republican created the KKK.
  • you are only tolerant of people as long as they totally agree with you.
  • you think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
  • you have earrings in places that don’t have lobes.
  • you know at least one “vegan.”
  • if you think Benghazi is an Italian sports car maker.
  • you think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer’s stash.
  • you think “integrity” is a new foreign car model.
  • you still believe in Tinkerbell, the Tooth Fairy and Ted Kennedy.
  • you’ve ever tried to protect the ozone layer.
  • you love the spotted owl but have never seen one.
  • you think occupy Wall Street protesters are sane but Tea Partiers are nuts.
  • you can’t articulate one single word without a teleprompter.
  • you think the only absolute in life is vodka.
  • after looking at your pay stub you can still say, “America is under-taxed.”
  • you’ve stood for animal rights, but wear leather belts and sandals.
  • you pay 185% mark-up for organically grown food.
  • you abhor censorship unless it’s censoring race, religion, Conservatism, Western culture or Rush Limbaugh.
  • you would vote for Jimmy Carter for president again because he’s done such a good job running Habitat for Humanity.
  • you go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
  • you think having a picture of Jesus on school property is dangerous, but having a condom machine is not.
  • your wedding vows start with “I promise to be the man that my husband deserves.”
  • you regard luxury cars as personal excess but spend $1100 for a bike and $400 for a cappuccino machine.
  • you believe Oprah should have been Obama’s running mate.
  • you think the phrase “separation of Church and State” is in the constitution.
  • you think “ethics” is an eastern European country.
  • you think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black community.
  • you support PETA and Green Peace, but still eat beef, fish, lamb, and wear leather garments.
  • you respond to the “paper or plastic?” question with, “It doesn’t matter. I’m bi-sacksual.”
  • you think the National Organization for Women is made up of mostly heterosexual women with no lesbian agenda.
  • your innermost fear is that there might be an omniscient superior being other than yourself.
  • you want to protest something but don’t know what.
  • you do all of your grocery shopping on the 4th of each month.
  • you never told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can” because he chooses to do so.
  • you think denial is a virtue.
  • you are a hypocritical Catholic who votes for a baby exterminator every four years.
  • you think “safe sex” involves tying back your pony-tail.
  • you believe that watching “Will and Grace” re-runs makes you a defender of gay rights.
  • you despise the rich even though they pay your share of the taxes.
  • you get your news from MTV.
  • you think it’s wrong that “food stamps” can not be used for cigarettes, lottery tickets, and beer.
  • you give a Kenyan-born socialist an unlimited credit card and power over foreign relations.
  • you think Monica Lewinsky was a slut who threw herself at Wild Bill.
  • you believe that no teenager in the world is still a virgin, and that the very idea of virginity is somewhere between quaint and absurd.
  • you believe that Tolerance is the highest virtue, and that any expression of disagreement with your views of tolerance should be declared a “hate crime.”
  • you would rather have a free phone than a job.
  • you believe 59% of whites who voted for Romney are racists but 96% of blacks who voted for Obama are not.
  • you laugh at your redneck neighbor’s car on blocks while you continue to ride the bus.

I needed to laugh today. Things in America are serious, but you have to keep your sanity if you are going to endure the fight before us. When neon hair colors are more prominent than Christmas Lights…well you know what I mean. The world has changed.

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About Dean Garrison

Dean Garrison is a husband and father of six, who faithfully pursues the American Dream. He has been MOSTLY self-employed for the last 20+ years and has been a top earner, executive and leader for several direct sales companies.
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5 Responses to You Might be a Liberal if…

  1. Wayne says:

    You think that rasism can only go 1 way.

  2. Jean says:

    Got to quibble on oen point:
    ■you think Monica Lewinsky was a slut who threw herself at Wild Bill.

    She was in D.C. and an intern in the White House. Politically, she’s a whore anyway… 😉
    I’d suggest you look up the “Manosphere” though – there’s a LOT going on WRT Male/Female relations, most of it is pretty ugly – but the general consensus is, “nice guys” don’t get laid, and DO finish last. Meantime, Thug Life and N8gga wi’attitude get all the P*ssy they can handle, with the women KNOWINGLY engaging in soft harems…
    And yes, it crosses racial lines: See blogger Obsidian, for instance, or The Fifth Horseman (futurist on wordpress, IIRC.) Also look for Black and Right, and Black and German. B&G is a WOMAN, as well. Then there’s the girl side – Susan Walsh @ hooking up smart.

    It’s sad to have the scales ripped from your eyes and see the ugly side of woman granted license – but it’s part of what conservatives are up against. Best gird your loins, and go read. Bottom line: feminists are right about one sense, Marriage IS just legal prostitution. (And for a REAL ugly kick to the nuts, look up Shattered Men, and look up divorce and family court, and how men get the shaft because they’re male.)

    Won’t make me popular to bring this up, I know – but women are human, too, and protected from their bad decisions far more than men are. Grant them the equality they want… Let them die in the workplace, account for more combat casualties, work themselves to death to pay for a fmaily, and get @$$-raped in divorce court. DENY them all the privileges of chivalry, too, as chivalry had responsibilities – they don’t LIKE responsibilities, just license. Remember, if she has a glass of wine, and you’re passing out drunk, and SHE mounts YOU, the next morning, YOU raped HER. SHE is just an innocent GIRL, after all, YOU took advantage (by law, she’s intoxicated – but you are responsible. You can’t make this shit up.)

    Don’t mean to threadjack, feel free to delete if just too far off topic. But responsibility must be enforced, Darwin must have his due. We’re making that impossible these days, and we will pay for it. Problem is, the Liberals (note capital L) intend to drag us to hell with them…

    (And for the record, I’m registered Republican, but now vote Independent – Protest vote – and I “test out” as a classic liberal – IE, like Jefferson, Adams, etc. But classic liberal = conservative these days, even though neo-con = Progressive.)

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